Public transport etiquette

Always stand in front of the escalators or ticket barriers whilst deciding your journey.

Never have your ticket ready whilst approaching the barriers, particularly during peak hours.

You must always try to get on a tube before the disembarking passengers attempt to do so. For maximum impact, make a disapproving humph type noise when you are pushed.

Never accept that a tube is too full for you to enter, you can always do a running jump to make room for one more.

Whenever possible, go up where you are supposed to go down and vice versa on the stair way.

When you see someone madly running for a train, you must mindlessly wander in their path.

For those plugged in, volume must be at the highest decibel. For added effect, nod the head and make the occasional noise similar to that of the music.

Mobile phone conversations must be as pointless as possible, spoken loudly eg: "oh ma god did u watch big bruva.... i know in it. Vats wot i fought... yeah... yeah"
Alternatively, they must be boastful for example; some B-list party with names dropped in, or talk of exotic travels.

Ringtones to be as annoying as possible please, preferably the latest chart topper. Those receiving the phone call must always let the phone ring for that little extra and look around for admiration.

Always wear rucksack on your back whilst standing on the tube and knock people without noticing.

When finding a place to stand whilst waiting for a tube to arrive, always stand immediately in front of someone. For maximum effect, do so when the platform is empty.

Apologies

For my blogging has taken a turn for the absolute incredibly boring at the moment! I guess it's because i don't have enough to rant about.

The weather is absolutely glorious and this is actually the reason why I decided to land in the UK before the winter, so I have the summer to look forward to. In Dobuy the sun sets around 7pm this time of year if i remember correctly, the nights are far too humid to sit outside. Once i spent 45 minutes straightening my hair and after sitting outside for 20 minutes, it looked like a very bad Diana Ross doo! So you end up cooped up in an air-conditioned room where the AC is so incredibly cold, you need to wear cello tape on your nipples.

While here, you get the gentle nip in the air, the looong sunsets, with longer days. It makes you want to stay outside until the sunsets otherwise you feel like you are wasting time. What's the point of having sun all year round when you only get to enjoy it for 3 months of the year (yes, which is 2.5 months longer than us), but it's quality not quantity.

Yes yes, there was a beach 10 minutes drive from where i lived in Dobuy, but seeing the local dish dohes or the crotch grabbing sub-continent peeps posing in their BollywoodBaywatch poses in their y-fronts wasn't the most alluring sight.

One time a friend and I went to a quiet spot on the public beach, only to find that after 5pm it was swarming with sub-continent workers taking a dip to have a bath. Yes they are allowed to go and enjoy the beach as well - I'm certainly not disputing that, however when one of their flip flops or their underwear washes up to your feet, it kinda sorta grosses you out. Yes it actually happened!

To top that, there was one hero type chap who was completely gawping at us. He perched up a few metres away from us not noticing that he had a hard on! Friend and I were rolling over laughing and as soon as he realized he had a little pole between his legs, he shot up and ran into the sea.Hilarious!

Since I've returned, i have longed to have a little picnic in a park on a summers night, sit outside on one of those long evenings sipping iced tea and talking gibberish - finally that time has come. yey!

Reminisce

A couple from Dobuy are in town and tomorrow night we’ll be partying Dobuy stylee ie: table at a “prominent” club, no doubt blinged up to the nine’s oozing labels and some such rubbish.

I’m in a reminiscent mood as I was just reading back at some of my posts during my stay in cesspit sandylands. These friends moved to Dobuy 2 months after I did and they were part of the surrogate family I used to hang out with. We partied many a nights, taking the piss and just generally up to no good. We threatened to play hide and seek or knock knock ginger on their housing compound – I sure wish we had.

Until things started changing…

We used to hang out in a group of six, two couples and two single girlies. Nights out used to be guaranteed laughs. One of the couples struck it rich and became what is synonymous in dobuy; Nouveau rich.

As I have said before, I have no problems with rich folk – good for them. However, when people become overnight rich, their company becomes a little unbearable. Suddenly conversations revolve around new Rolex watches, 2 carat diamond rings or new Ferraris,

This particular couple were desperately trying to keep up with the nouveau rich couple and it was a sad to see this happen as it slowly started tearing the group apart. Get togethers became obligatory as opposed to fun.

This will only be the second time meeting them in the UK since I left Dobuy, and it’s interesting seeing the front they put on now…

Only wanting to stay in hotels and not their family homes. Only shopping in Harrods. Not wanting to go to certain places unless they get reserved seating. With this statement, I joked to him and said “what, is it because they don’t have a VVIP section?” But it’s true.

Money sure does funny things to people, especially if you are in a non grounded civilization like Dobuy.

Last time I met him, I was frank with him and told him my opinion of what had happened and how pitiful it was. Fortunately he acknowledged it. I also told him not to bother trying to keep up as it’s quite apparent they are. I really wish i had said something 2.5 years ago when it all started falling apart instead of distancing myself from them. If I had spoken to them, then more fun times could have been had. At the end of the day, this couple has something which the nouveau rich will never have – they have true love and each other.

Yes, you may puke now, but money just can’t buy everything…

I sure wish it could.

Whistle while you work

Typically British, i'm going to talk about the weather again. I've been incredibly lucky to have travelled to quite a few beautiful cities, however hands down without a doubt, the best city in the world when the sun is shining is London. It's absolutely glorious.

Everyone is in a good mood, the shirt sleeves roll up, the shades come out and EVERYONE looks for a spot to sit or stand outside to eat or drink. Saying that, atleast you can go and sit outside in the summer, unlike Dobuy where you desperately try to avoid the outside sun and sand.

My boss was practically singing this morning. It is interesting to hear what people inadvertently start singing, only realising after they merrily hum or sing one verse how they then try to disguise it into a cooler tune. The other day, one of my colleagues was singing Sugababes. Now this is ok for a girlie to sing, but not a bloke! But today was far worse as he started singing some trumpet marching song.

I am also guilty. At first i was very consciously singing Mary j Blige's Without You. But then later in the day I caught myself singing My favorite Things from Sound of Music. I don't know where that one came from!

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshining day...

Indeed.

As the summer draws nearer, it reminds me of Dobuy. I woke up this morning to the sunshining, excitedly thinking -ooOOoo time to dig out my Dobuy wardrobe? Is it time to rip open that huge box overflowing with sandals yet? Time to get a pedicure? I haven't had a pedicure since i landed here.

One thing which you did not have to experience in Dobuy was standing next to a chap who absolutely stunk the pong out of heaven in a confined space, for more than 10 minutes! Actually I tell a lie; here, you usually only get the odd one or two, whilst in Dobuy you could get attacked by a swarm of offenders at any given moment from all directions. Worse still, they are all clearing their throats, spitting out phlegm and grabbing their balls, so all your senses are invaded.

Stale BO has to be one of the most awful smells in the whole universe. On my way home, i was stood on the train gazing out over Canary Wharf whilst plugged in, when all of a sudden I lost the will to breathe. I just could not draw in any air for my brain was telling me "no, don't breathe in toxic gas. stinky poo standing next to you. find the nearest exit and jump".

I've decided to take the bus as the mercury rises as there is no way I will endure the stuffy, sticky and sweaty tubes. I remember a time when I accidentally held onto the metal poles and felt what i can only describe as goo!