Public transport etiquette

Always stand in front of the escalators or ticket barriers whilst deciding your journey.

Never have your ticket ready whilst approaching the barriers, particularly during peak hours.

You must always try to get on a tube before the disembarking passengers attempt to do so. For maximum impact, make a disapproving humph type noise when you are pushed.

Never accept that a tube is too full for you to enter, you can always do a running jump to make room for one more.

Whenever possible, go up where you are supposed to go down and vice versa on the stair way.

When you see someone madly running for a train, you must mindlessly wander in their path.

For those plugged in, volume must be at the highest decibel. For added effect, nod the head and make the occasional noise similar to that of the music.

Mobile phone conversations must be as pointless as possible, spoken loudly eg: "oh ma god did u watch big bruva.... i know in it. Vats wot i fought... yeah... yeah"
Alternatively, they must be boastful for example; some B-list party with names dropped in, or talk of exotic travels.

Ringtones to be as annoying as possible please, preferably the latest chart topper. Those receiving the phone call must always let the phone ring for that little extra and look around for admiration.

Always wear rucksack on your back whilst standing on the tube and knock people without noticing.

When finding a place to stand whilst waiting for a tube to arrive, always stand immediately in front of someone. For maximum effect, do so when the platform is empty.