Bob the builder

I was going to write something highly entertaining as usual, but i forgot what i was going to write as I was hugely distracted by the noises from the builder bum men working outside my window as they refurbish our new offices.

The refurbishments have been on going throughout the summer while the temperatures soared to +37c this summer, they still seemed to merrily bang, whistle, sing and oggle away. Of course it is nothing in comparison to the cesspit hellenious heat of Dobuy!

Proudly displaying their tats and stubbly builder bums with the radio playing in the background, the 7 of us sitting in our portaloo office would often laugh and comment on the conversations and singing we heard from the builder bum brigade. They are quite a cheery bunch and despite the ear stabbing clanging and drilling, they do provide good light entertainment on slow afternoons.

There have been a few mornings when i've nipped out for my breakie only to see a row of builders munching away, smiling, winking and laughing. Followed by a little afternoon harmonising session.

Today I was watching builders have a little competition as to who can carry the most planks over their shoulders and then later there was a massive crashing noise followed by "f*"$ Cu^£ bollox" !!

All quite a far and distant cry from the silent, seen but not heard builder boys in blue in Dobuy!

Randomitis

Before I press on, I just wanted to differentiate this blog from the "tales from a suitcase" as I just seem to be using each one as a rant top up session!

1 - VLP has some relationship/ comparison with Dobuy.
2 - VPL may chose to have a retrospective bitching session about Dobuy.
3 - I may decide to highlight how something in Dobuy was/is better than Londinium but still find a way to bitch about Dobuy.

Moving on, I recently read this about Dobuy..."The police have called on the public to use their home safety programme during the summer vacation so as to enjoy trouble-free holidays."

Basically, sign your name and the police will drive by your house every now and then whilst you take your annual 1-2 month summer vacation. I wonder if this is an invisible tax method? Goes to show that crime is definitely on the increase even though I am sure not even a fraction of it is reported.

With any disproportionate boom in a city, the distribution of wealth gets wider and wider which eventually results in the increase of crime. Dobuy used to be a safe city and still markets itself as a safe city where you can leave your car unlocked, leave your mobile on a table with no qualms whatsoever, or leave your handbag lying around in a club whilst you go off and dance for half an hour.

Can't speak for it now, but I am quite sure the days are numbered. Before you know it, there will come a time when you can't walk down the street and talk on your new diamond studded Vertue phone as someone in a lunghi will waddle up to you, clear the phlegm from his throat, spit it out followed by itching his balls, grab your phone and then waddle off.

I am not singling out a particular race as it could be the locals as well.. Hell they have nothing else to do. There was hope that all the expat PA's would get removed and the role would be "Emiratised", but like any other law over there, it was changed a week later.

Lots of crime in London tho but we already knew that. When i moved back, I did forget and used to walk around with my handbag wide open. I used to leave my bag and phone lying on a table and wonder off, however friends would remind me to be more cautious.

Anyways, just thought i'd make a blog entry to kill the last 15 minutes of the day. Time to travel the stanky suffocating sauna tubes. I try and stand as far away from people as possible because 9 times out of 10 they brush their nasty sweaty body on you, or rub their potent pitstained pits on you!

Yalla...

It's getting hot in here...

..so peel off all your clothes.

The country braces itself for what is reported to be the hottest day in over 100 years (dun dun daaaAAHHH)! The mercury is set to creep above 38c today (and the crowd goes wild!).

"Come on Regina, you lived in the Middle East for a while, you should be used to this weather!"

"Sweety, we did not have to endure sweating like pigs whilst trying to work. When the air conditioning at work was out of order, we were allowed to go home as it was considered unfair working conditions."

Truth is, when the weather is this hot we are more exposed to it than a sandy day in the cesspit. On an average boiling hell hot summers day in Dobuy, I spent perhaps no more than 10 minutes outdoors; all of which was simply running out of the car and into air conditioning. The only reason this would have been slightly more than 10 minutes was because I was parked slightly further away from my destination.

As a means to help cool down, I avoid sitting or standing next to fat people on public transport. Don't mean to be horrible, but they do actually radiate more heat. When they sit next to you, it feels as though I am sitting next to a radiator!

I can't say I am looking forward to the day ahead. I sit in a little den with 7 people, no air conditioning and on the 4th floor of a very cramped decrepid building. As you ascend each floor, it gets hotter and hotter. In the afternoon the sun shines through my window which is when I disappear from my desk to go for a walk outside as a means of cooling down.

We do have 2 pathetic portable air conditioning units, however both the fat guys who work in this office have kept them next to their desk so it blows into their arsehole...goodness knows they need it more than I do!

I am quite sure I might actually melt today and will just be a pile of remains on my chair by the end of the day.

Tax and general rant about thick people

"Mohammad urges expats and nationals to obtain IDs"

hmmm, sounds like income tax will be on its way in very shortly!

Speaking of which, I now pay income tax. Had a stack of self assesment forms posted to me as soon as Inland Rev caught wind of my address. I was instructed to pay £100 fine for each late return which is only disputable after I have filled and returned the forms!

Although the thought of having a "tax free salary" was fantastic, given that almost 50% of my salary was going to the tax man. However, now that I have experienced the tax free and back to paying tax, I do prefer paying tax and living in a civilised world.

I was sharing this view with a colleague who was also an expat. If you are an expat, regardless of where ever you are, the majority of people you are competing with will be expats who couldn't "make it" back home. As a result, this is their only shot and will do whatever it takes to succeed which is where manners, ethics, morals and ting get left behind in immigration. Especially given how much they boast to their folks back home and when they do return home, they act as though they are kings and queens returning to their castles.

On another note, it really is amazing how white people are so thick and completely and utterly oblivious to what is happening in the Middle East! All they talk about is football or Big Bruva, but when it comes to people's lives, they just don't have a bluddy clue. It is incredibly frightening as these middle class white folks will just listen to what they hear in the media in order to cover up their ignorance.

The c*ck sucker who sits opposite me is so unbelievably deluded and thick, I've caught him asking my opinion (on a work matter) and then regurgitating it to the boss as his own! He is also an East End cockney beer belly trying to be a public school boy...now there's an amusing sight!

Who's the boss?

I had some interesting boss’ in Dobuy; colonial twat who was renowned for poncing around in his white linen suits, unsocked Gucci loafers and conveniently left the keys to his Ferrari on the desk of every client he visited.

Then there was the Bollywood Barry White, the monkey fiddler who “dated” prostitutes. He had this “vision that we all work in harmony” with excessive hand gestures.

Then of course there was the adorable Wenchy Witch Bum who was rumored to spending most of her client meetings on her knees (for both men and women).

Lets not forget the Kiwi Neanderthal who didn’t pay me in the end! He had the neighbour who insisted on showing me his penis…aahhh the memories.

That brings me onto my current boss. Lovely guy, razor sharp wit and incredibly public school.

His office is immediately behind me, just take two steps from his door and you can comfortably breathe down my neck. It’s more of a cubicle than an office; in fact my bathroom is larger!

He has a rather annoying habit of closing his door followed by a marathon farting session. Minutes later he opens the door and we are treated with what can only be described as a nerve gas explosion.

At least if he left the window slightly ajar, some of the stench will escape and the gailforce fart wind will downgrade to a fart breeze. If this continues, there will come a day when he walks out of his cubicle and he will find us all face down on our desks, shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Whenever he closes his door, we mutter and nod in unison “its farty time!”

Public transport etiquette

Always stand in front of the escalators or ticket barriers whilst deciding your journey.

Never have your ticket ready whilst approaching the barriers, particularly during peak hours.

You must always try to get on a tube before the disembarking passengers attempt to do so. For maximum impact, make a disapproving humph type noise when you are pushed.

Never accept that a tube is too full for you to enter, you can always do a running jump to make room for one more.

Whenever possible, go up where you are supposed to go down and vice versa on the stair way.

When you see someone madly running for a train, you must mindlessly wander in their path.

For those plugged in, volume must be at the highest decibel. For added effect, nod the head and make the occasional noise similar to that of the music.

Mobile phone conversations must be as pointless as possible, spoken loudly eg: "oh ma god did u watch big bruva.... i know in it. Vats wot i fought... yeah... yeah"
Alternatively, they must be boastful for example; some B-list party with names dropped in, or talk of exotic travels.

Ringtones to be as annoying as possible please, preferably the latest chart topper. Those receiving the phone call must always let the phone ring for that little extra and look around for admiration.

Always wear rucksack on your back whilst standing on the tube and knock people without noticing.

When finding a place to stand whilst waiting for a tube to arrive, always stand immediately in front of someone. For maximum effect, do so when the platform is empty.

Apologies

For my blogging has taken a turn for the absolute incredibly boring at the moment! I guess it's because i don't have enough to rant about.

The weather is absolutely glorious and this is actually the reason why I decided to land in the UK before the winter, so I have the summer to look forward to. In Dobuy the sun sets around 7pm this time of year if i remember correctly, the nights are far too humid to sit outside. Once i spent 45 minutes straightening my hair and after sitting outside for 20 minutes, it looked like a very bad Diana Ross doo! So you end up cooped up in an air-conditioned room where the AC is so incredibly cold, you need to wear cello tape on your nipples.

While here, you get the gentle nip in the air, the looong sunsets, with longer days. It makes you want to stay outside until the sunsets otherwise you feel like you are wasting time. What's the point of having sun all year round when you only get to enjoy it for 3 months of the year (yes, which is 2.5 months longer than us), but it's quality not quantity.

Yes yes, there was a beach 10 minutes drive from where i lived in Dobuy, but seeing the local dish dohes or the crotch grabbing sub-continent peeps posing in their BollywoodBaywatch poses in their y-fronts wasn't the most alluring sight.

One time a friend and I went to a quiet spot on the public beach, only to find that after 5pm it was swarming with sub-continent workers taking a dip to have a bath. Yes they are allowed to go and enjoy the beach as well - I'm certainly not disputing that, however when one of their flip flops or their underwear washes up to your feet, it kinda sorta grosses you out. Yes it actually happened!

To top that, there was one hero type chap who was completely gawping at us. He perched up a few metres away from us not noticing that he had a hard on! Friend and I were rolling over laughing and as soon as he realized he had a little pole between his legs, he shot up and ran into the sea.Hilarious!

Since I've returned, i have longed to have a little picnic in a park on a summers night, sit outside on one of those long evenings sipping iced tea and talking gibberish - finally that time has come. yey!