The mind boggles

Pop quiz; how does, removing the word "international" from the name of the company make it more international? Oh and charge $8.4m for the exercise?

How can some guys breathe whilst wearing trousers so tight and riding them so high, that they make nipple pants look less unacceptable?

How can people drive so slow in the fast lane, whilst all the lanes to the right of them are empty?

How can one stink of BO so bad, i mean so bad that it stinks the pong out of high heaven, first thing in the morning? Every single morning without fail, when i pass this particular colleagues desk I actually cannot see, as this particualr flavour of Old Spice BO makes my head spin.

Why is it, that my really weird colleague felt the need to show off her weight loss (but is still fat), by doing weird inappropriate stretching exercises whilst having a fag, demonstrating her new found agility? In the process she managed to rip the entire right inseam of the trousers she has only recently managed to "squeeze" into.

sometimes it makes you wonder how you keep from going under...

One thing that's got me trippin…

I was recently asked by someone, "What's the one thing you dislike about Dubai?" I was like...hmm, let me give you a URL address and take your pick. By that I was of course referring to VPL city.

Anyways, it did get me thinking, ok if you could single out one thing, what would it be? I'd have to say, the one thing that’s got me trippin are the delusions of grandeur, as that tends to be a factor rubbed into my face on a daily basis.

When I first arrived in Dubai, I was told, "if you can make it in Dubai, you can make it anywhere in the world". In retrospect, it’s clearly obvious that this person was, and certainly still is living in La La land, wrapped in cotton wool high up in their ivory tower. This statement couldn't be further from the truth, however there is an element of truth to it. The fact that their perception is, they can make it anywhere is very true, however in actuality, they don't stand a chance.

Just to expand on this a little; to get some things done here, it seems the higher the decibels in your voice and the more aggressive/ downright rude you sound, the more likely you will achieve results. The art of negotiation, rational and intelligently formed arguments, persuasion, ol’ fashioned charm just don’t seem to go down too well in this less sophisticated society. If it's making a lot of noise and the nostrils are flaring.. then we better pay more attention to it - quite primitive eh?

Moving on,I was in discussion with a publisher regarding a potential job and found myself pathetically negotiating a job title. I announced during the conversation that this was incredibly pathetic of me indeed. This made me realise how people here are so bemused by titles which aides to cloud their vision of reality and not too concerned about the job in hand. Someone I know has changed their job title 4 or 5 times in short space of time, and seems to honestly think they were promoted on each occasion.

You can’t blame them though, as there is a checklist of standard question people ask when they first meet you;

- Name?
- Where are you from?
- What do you do?
- How long have you been here?

Sub Continent Asians tend to add a few more onto this...

- Which car do you drive (I drive myself insane putting up with this shite, if you really must know!)
- Are you here with your family or husband (I am a single female Muslim, so to be here on my own is considered taboo. I mean come on, which century are we living in?!)

Locals will add on…

- Can i have your number?
- Are you married?


I’d really like to add my own questions..

- Is there a bogey up my nose?
- (Whilst standing there naked) do I look fat in this?

An extra dimension to the delusion is the name-dropping. People name-drop more than a hooker drops her pants as a means of demonstrating their pre-eminence. I have mentioned in a previous post, that there are no celebrities in Dubai but some unfortunate individuals actually believe they are celebrities. However, the names people tend to drop are either those who are in some way related to the Royal family, or the incredibly rich.

As an example, a new colleague at work came up to my desk and out of the wild yonder blue he started talking about how he is a drinking buddy with members of a renowned family out here. I was sat there in disbelief, which I tried to disguise as awe and admiration as I wanted to see how far he would take this conversation. I felt like asking, “Oh cool…tell me, and do they poo like we do or do they have some special method of poo extraction?” He just rattled on, but fortunately I was interrupted with a phone call.

Boring I tell you…

Beef or the chicken

It wouldn’t be right to talk about Dubai without mentioning the lovely ladies who serve the national carrier…Emirates Airline crew – or “crew” as they are known about town. When I was 18 I remember leafing through my local paper and seeing an advert for Emirates Airline crew where you could earn a tax free salary, provided with accommodation coated with a glamorous job of flying around the world. I opted for further education but it looked kinda glamorous, however essentially it is the role of a glorified Tesco check-out girl.

These girls have it good though. They are good looking (well most are) with guys falling at their feet, they have fabulous perks, live in the best apartments in town, receive plenty of discounts around town, allowed access into clubs with little bother and there are even bar nights dedicated to them. However along with these perks, they drag behind them a rather unfortunate stigma of being on the “easy” side, shy of a few brain cells and seem to have one aim in life; hitch up with a rich passenger in business or first class.

It certainly wouldn’t be fair to paint all of them with the same brush, as I am quite sure they are not all the same. However I have had a few occasions, which makes me beg to differ. Once I was sat on the beach (fully clothed) whilst watching the sunset and these locals drove by in their hefty 4x4. They passed by me, made a u-turn heading back my way… I thought, oh ghad, here we go… they parked in front of me and one of them asked;

“You croo?”
“Hmmm, excuse me?”
“You work for croo?”
“Who is croo?”
“You emirate crew?”
“ohhh!” penny drops “no I don’t”

Disappointment spread across their faces and off they sped into the distance. I am sure they would have stuck around if I had been crew…

Ok, another time about 3 years ago, I went out for dinner with a few work colleagues. One of the guys was single at the time, so his past time was doing crew. On that particular evening he decided to bring a girl on each arm to dinner with him. By the time he arrived, we had consumed a couple of glasses of wine, which meant I was well on my way to the merry-land-express. Usually I’d welcome new people and encourage good conversation (in my tipsy state), but these girls were so far up themselves, you’d think they were royalty. They looked so far down their noses at us, its as though they were looking at us through telescopes!

The rest of us had had enough of this behaviour, so one decided to pose a dare for me to accomplish before the night was over. My task was to ask one of the girls on his arms if she would like the beef or the chicken. This was to be executed without laughing or any sign of amusement. I am quite sure they get this all the time and it wasn’t very nice but given their antisocial egotistical manners, I was merry and the gauntlet had been thrown so I accepted the challenge.

On my first attempt I was just going to blurt out the question, but this was met with fits of giggles. Second attempt I’d mistakenly picked up a platter of tiger prawns and only realised this, as I was about to ask the question (stifled school children sniggers around the table). I finally made it on the 3rd attempt and my question was met with;

“ohh, the chicken please”

I rest my case…