No I'm not a prostitute! (Part 2)

The negative side of being a woman in Dubai; you cannot go anywhere without having guys stare at you, its as though they have never seen a woman before! They are not at all subtle either, they just blantaly stare and do not bat an eyelid when you catch them. I'm goin to buy an abaya (black ninja outfits the local ladies wear) and see how differently I am treated.

The number of times I've had guys following me whilst driving...advice - do not make eye contact with them (locals are the guilty party here)! On quite a few occasions I have had to pull over and take their number just so they don’t follow me home as its quite a difficult task trying to loose them and its scarey the lenghts they will go through to track you down! Their idea of "the chase" is quite primitive and quite literally a car chase!

Once I was in a car with 2 girlfriends on our way back from a concert. Traffic getting out was mayhem, however some local guys let us cut in front of them - ahhh how nice of them I hear you say...no, they started pulling up next to us asking for our number. They were pretty damn persistant so I eventually gave them a number from my phone book of someone I dislike. They were quite clever for locals - he immediately called the number, so I sat there with phone in hand pretending to answer it and converse with him;

"Hi, nice meeting you - what you can’t hear me, your phone broken"..he wasn’t having any of it, these guys were damn clever and must have passed their GCSE's! Plan b... Girl #2 rolls down window and shouts "we are going to meet our husbands now" still no joy...plan c...fast getaway!

Good driver gal managed to negotiate her way out of traffic, whilst locals were stuck behind in their huge landrover! Now bearing in mind, the concert venue was the absolute other end of town - a good half hour drive to our next destination..the guys managed to catch up with us on the motorway. I suggested good driver to indicate and pretend we are exiting motorway and at last minute swerve back onto highway...well they drove right upto bumper so this trick did not work (it has in the past, I reckon these locals are so clever, they might even have jobs).

Good driver girl eventually exited highway and drove down dimly lit side roads with headlights off. We parked and all ducked out of site, but their flashing headlights suggested they had seen us. Anyway, 10 minutes later, we reached our next destination (hotel where we were attending a club - the husbands of the 2 girls were waiting there!) and they had followed us all the way. We managed to find parking immediately, jumped out and legged it to the club!They dumped their car in the middle of nowhere and started running after us.

We had to navigate our way through this stupid shopping arcade - now remember my previous rant about signage?..well, at one point, the 3 of us were running towards a t-junction in a single file. Good driver girl went left, girl #2 went right and I stood there looking in both directions deciding who to follow. I looked behind me and clever locals were hot on our heels, so I called for girl #2 and suggested we follow good driver girl. Finally managed to find the club, joined the husbands in the queue - this didn’t stop the oh so clever locals! They joined the queue, so the 2 girls put their arms around their respective husbands and I asked a friend if he would mind if I did the same - being the good muslim girl that I am, I’d never resort to such lurid behavior (in public anyway), but given that the locals resembled the cast of star wars I couldn’t help myself! ....the clever locals left with tails between their legs!

On a final note, guys do not have to endure the humiliation of being mistaken for a prostitute. My previous company's office was located in a redish light district, the number of times I was propositioned at 8.30am on my way from the car to the office..some of my responses to their question "how much?" were as follow;

Its 8.30 in the morning, God gave u 2 hands!
I work the late shift
1 million dhs (said in austin powers bad guy voice with hand gesture to go with it)
Go and ask your mother that question!
i'm not a prostitute !!

I need to take a shower now!

No I’m not a prostitute! (Part 1)

Being a woman in Dubai definitely has its advantages and being a female Muslim even more so, although there are disadvantages as well. You take the good with the bad and all that. I personally feel the bad outweigh the good hands down, but that’s the cynic in me...lets explore them shall we?…

I'll start off with the advantages; In banks there are "women only" queues, however I think this is to enable all the men to focus their eyes in one area rather than having to pivot their heads in all directions.

I think this is pretty universal, but flirtation to avoid parking tickets, traffic violations and getting food delivered quicker is more effective if delivered by women. Do be careful as it could be taken the wrong way…it’s that time again.. here’s an example;

Our office has a paid underground parking facility, well today the barrier was left open so I snuck down and parked my car as I was running late for work (my hairdryer overheated, so had to wait for it to cool down-couldn’t possibly go to work with my hair half done! My excuse was that I had overslept!). I had to pop out at lunch time to get my waxing done, on my way out the security man stops me asking me to pay 50dhs! I said,

"What, are you having a tin bath mate" (he was indian)
"What bath, must pay"
"Gate up, no ticket no said pay, how u know I here 9.30, I here 11!"

Anyways this went on for about five minutes getting nowhere fast, so I decided to resort to my pathetic female mode. In my best Hindi I whimpered a;

"i'm sorry, please forgive me"
...the corners of his mouth upturned and his angry expression rounded into one of sympathy. I then asked the common question (in my broken hindi);
"Where are you from”?
"Delhi"
"nooooo! My father is from there"

Beaming smile from him… desired effect achieved!

"ok for you 10 dhs, come and park here again anytime but just give little money"
(all still in hindi), he was rambling on and I could barely make out what he was saying;

"where do you work, which office, come here and park here everyday and I will give you good price as you are my friend"

By this time he had placed his hand on my window ledge moving closer to my boobies! I started edging back and raised the window. I drove off, but then he ran after me asking if I was definitely coming back in the afternoon as he will let me park for free. He then muttered something, which I couldn’t quite make out, I was quite sure he was saying;

"Then you come and we can go and pass some time"
"What??!!"
"I give you free parking then we go and pass some time, not long just quickly, we can talk about it"
"Yeah sure, BYE' (car tyres screech). Needless to say I won’t be parking there again! And I’m not that cheap and its kind of ironic really..one parking space in exchange for another...

Another plus point - being an Islamic country, women aren’t really supposed to be in confined spaces with a guy. On many occasions I have exercised this right whilst going in a lift. If the guy in the lift or the one waiting to enter the lift with you looks as though they might ogle at you whilst stroking his groin, or they smell really bad then I will put my hand on my heart and softly say;

"Would you mind if I went alone, I can’t go in lift with you" - I swear on my sunglasses, 100% success rate!
You do of course come across the locals who will do so without you having to say so.

Right, you get into clubs quite easily, but be aware of all the guys who want you to partner up with them to help them get in the club. Ladies night on Tuesdays where we get a generous number of free drinks (toilet water), which is actually an indirect attempt to get the guys out! They don’t need free drinks to coax them out they just want women!

Tbc..

One lane fits all

Do you remember that pocket bible called the Highway Code book? Well, when you reach Dubai, you can toss it in the back seat along with any road maps you may have of Dubai! All you need is; use of accelerator, breaks, excessive use of horn, aggression and any offensive sign language aside from the one finger salute. It's also advisable to learn colourful words in Hindi so you can expressively express them in times of idiocy - which you will find is most times.

If you mouth at the offenders in popular French words, you will only receive puzzled looks - not the desired effect. However, if you learn something in Hindi, which emphasizes the close relationship they have with their mother or sisters, you will note a definite difference in reaction, far more satisfying reaction might I add.

Have you ever been stuck at the back of a traffic jam and in you rear view you can see a huge lorry hurtling and swaying towards you out of control desperately trying to slow down? You’re sat there absolutely helpless screaming to yourself "oh fug"! Hmm, I have found myself in this sticky pit situation once…fortunately at the last minute the retard swerved onto the hard shoulder. Its never a dull day on the roads of Dubai.

There is a rather skillful maneuver, which I think is known as the 4-lane swerve. This move can only be successfully performed on Sheikh Zayed road for the following reasons; more traffic therefore endangering more lives, it’s the only highway where you can gather excessive speeds, there are plenty of exits to aim for, oh and it has four lanes.

The methodology is as follows; driver must be driving at breakneck speed in the fast lane and at the last minute realise they need to get off at the exit they are about to pass. They swiftly swerve all four lanes in one foul swoop - dodging all traffic, and make the exit within inches of hitting the barrier.

Keep an eye out for jaywalkers - well it’s hard to miss them, as they are the people who see you coming and step out on the road anyway. There is also a myth, where sorry individuals step out on the road with the intention of getting hit in the hope of receiving "blood money" compensation from the driver, if they pass away in the process, it goes to their family.

Lane discipline is absolutely non-existent! The two slower lanes on the highway may be vacant, as drivers prefer to be seen in the faster lane. This causes drivers to undertake quite regularly. Roundabouts are another popular spot for a bit of lane indiscipline! Offenders driving on inside lane, madly and inconsiderately swerve out to make their exit with no indication whatsoever! I’ve had too many close calls trying to avoid this!

Don't ever expect drivers to give way and if you decide to give way, be prepared for the following squillion cars to try and get in as well whilst they are on their mobiles calling their aunts and uncles to get them in too!
In some instances (particularly where queuing is involved) they are firm believers in one-lane fits all!

Yawn!

Rubber neckers r us

Accidents are a regular occurrence here, so you'd think the people on the road would be a little more blasé...but no, they stop and stare at someone changing their tire or even asking for directions. End result being miles of slow moving traffic until everyone slows down, takes a good look (rubber necking) then plods along their merry way.

Well I guess there's not really much to do or see past all the shiny buildings, construction work, and men grabbing their crotches in public, so road accidents gives people something to look at. I’ve found that people tend talk about accidents the way one tends to talk about the weather back home.

On some occasions, I find myself refusing to look at the scene just to make a point, then realising I wasn't making a point to anyone resulting in my attempt as null and void. A point becomes a point when it is acknowledged by someone - or does it? Surely one doesn’t need the acknowledgment from someone to make a point. It’s like the proverbial tree falling in a forest if no one is around, does it make a sound?. I think I’ve lost my original point..

What’s the point?!

Pull up to my bumper baby

It might make the difference between rafting the rapids and pushing on a slowly revolving door but the need for speed on the roads of Dubai hijacks the most law-abiding citizens.

When you visit Dubai, you will definitely notice how drivers feel the need to drive bumper-to-bumper, in fact you are forced to do so, else another car will simply maneuver into your breaking distance allowing you to get a nice close up view of the disgusting gold tissue box on their dashboard.

You're cruising at 120kms in the fast lane and out of nowhere, this maniac is right up your bumper flashing his lights to get you out of the way. On many occasions you will find you cannot change lanes, however the tool behind you persistently drives right up your tail. I've found a rather effective remedy for this; simply gently tap on the breaks (I must add, I will only do this if no one is behind him) and watch his face in the rear view! The expression is usually open-mouthed disbelief and depending on where they are from, it may be followed by sinister revenge – be warned!

I read an article on how speed limits have been increased on certain roads from 120kms/p/h to 160. In a city where they desperately need to reduce the number of road fatalities and given that excessive speeding causes the majority of the accidents, I’d say it's a step in the wrong direction!

Bravo!

Trains planes & mainly automobiles

The only means of transport around the city are buses, taxis or of course your own car. It's perfectly ok to say “what, travel by bus?” without sounding like a snob, as most of the clientele using this means of transportation evokes the appearance of live cattle all crammed in with legs and arms dangling out the windows.

Driving in London one tends to drive a manual car; in Dubai the majority drive automatics. With this, you kinda adopt a new stance whilst driving. You now only need one foot thanks to elimination of the clutch; so you have a spare foot...what do you do with it? Put it on the dashboard of course...dah! Yes I have had the pleasure of witnessing people driving like this - mainly the locals or Asian sub continent origin.

You also have the convenience of only needing one hand as you no longer need to change gears. Depending on which car you drive, you might have an arm rest, so you can lean to one side whilst keeping the other hand firmly on the wheel at the 12 o'clock position. I think this posture must cause some muscles to realign resulting in one eyebrow permanently raised - this stance tends to be adopted by guys mainly.

Decorating cars is a popular phenomenon in Dubai – who’d have thunk it with all the flashmobiles driving around the city?
The locals tend to favour having photos of their rulers on the rear window, all smiling and looking rather pleasant – it’s quite endearing! Can you imagine having a big photo of Blair or Bush on the back window…or anyone for that matter? Another popular choice is the gold flowery tissue box strategically placed on the dashboard, it’s actually quite nauseating! What else do we have?… oh, we have carpets on the dashboard… don’t ask!! Actually I did ask once and apparently it keeps the dashboard cooler. I have also seen a mammoth sized bunch of grapes hanging from the rearview mirror, now I am not sure whether or not they are real, but I swear on my sunglasses that I once saw someone picking a grape and eating it.

Be aware of cars with fully tinted windows, as most of them are the locals, therefore drive like no one else is on the road and as though they are in desperate need to reach home to relieve themselves. Also, taxi drivers – forgive my colourful language, but %^$&#(&%^# to all of them!!! Firstly, it’s not really their fault, but most of them have no idea where they are going, only seem to conveniently know the scenic routes and never have change. Not only that, they smoke in the taxi, speak on their mobiles whilst driving and spit out the windows at traffic lights! They also have a rather annoying habit of pulling out of side roads onto the main road when you are only 1 or 2 metres away from them – now either they are all short sighted, or just plain stupid!

Answers on a postcard to the usual address!

Do you know who I am?!?

Yes I’ve been guilty of saying this whilst being made to queue to get into a club at 1 in the morning! But please dig deep down within your heart to forgive me as I was poking fun at the way people in Dubai really feel they are someone. To make yourself feel better, the bouncer asked the obvious question, "no, who are you?" to which I clumsily retorted "I was 4th place runner up in Popidol" Needless to say we didn’t get into the club and neither was I 4th place runner up...perhaps next time I will try using the excessive flesh display methodology of gaining access.

You can kinda get away with saying it because some people really do have delusions of grandeur. They've moved to Dubai and can afford a materialistically better quality of life; cars are cheaper (this depends where you came from), gas is incredibly cheap thus affording you the luxury of driving around in gas guzzling 4x4's or sports cars which you couldn't otherwise afford back home. Rent used to be cheap but getting more expensive and you get more for your money eg; you may be fortunate enough to live in a building which has a pool and gym. It’s also quite easy to get bank loans or car loans to really keep those lavish indulgences within arms reach.

Thanks to the popularity of slave labor in the region, you can quite easily afford to get a maid to clean your apartment, thus buying you extra time to pamper yourself. I personally choose not to have someone clean my place because I am someone of incredibly high moral standards! Actually its because I’m a tad anally retentive and always end up cleaning before and after them, so it proved a pointless exercise.

Due to poor quality media, lack of free speech and generally lack of anything interesting to write about, it’s also quite easy to get your photograph in newspapers and glossy/gossip magazines. All you need to do to achieve this is attend an exclusive party or the opening of an envelope - guaranteed the "paparazzi" (chokes on her coffee) will be there. So when people see their photos..."oh look I’m famous", buys 20 copies and sends them all back home.

Are you getting the picture? No? Ok, let me get my paintbrush out again. Recently I had the pleasure of attending the Destiny's Child concert held in Dubai (don't say anything - they're cool ok & they invented the word "bootylicious" if nothing else!). Now normally, the seating arrangements would state "general standing' for the people who cram right at the front and "grandstand seating" people who would rather sit down a little further back but usually end up standing by the end. In Dubai however, the seating arrangement are labeled as follows;

VIP = grandstand seating
VVIP = those sweaty mad people who'd rather cram at the front.

So you’re standing in line to get into concert venue and you either stand in VIP or VVIP queue. Those sweaty people with VVIP sashay in with a definite air of smugness about them thinking "yeah, they all know who I am, I’m a VVIP"!

Lord have mercy!

Be who you want to be

My editor in chief is new in town and would like to meet for coffee just to learn a bit more about the city (I’m thinking I am the wrong person to talk to about this!) This guy is a Harvard grad and also holds a PhD, so yes he's a Dr. All of a sudden my insecurities about being a complete and utter thickoid kicked in and I suddenly felt the need to "bend the truth”. I’m thinking of saying I was a rocket scientist with NASA and will name-drop a few long words like; particles, cape Canaveral, plutonium nitrate, diplodocus (I think that’s a dinosaur, but he won’t know).

Admittedly, I’ve been guilty of bending the truth in the past to guys who attempt to chat me up in a club as a means of amusement. Apparently I’ve had a fruitful existence as I’ve claimed to be the following;

Classical harpist
6th dan kung fu master
Vegetarian
Colonial cake decorator
Microsoft msn developer

These thoughts made me wonder about how people in Dubai reinvent themselves upon arrival - you're allowed to do so, as no one will ever know.

Starting from the outside and depending on which continent you were residing in before, you may need to give your wardrobe a complete facelift. Linen outfits, sandals, weird belts, costume jewelry you would never wear in London, catrillion pairs of sunglasses to match your outfits, handbags to match your trainers and hair clips to match the complete ensemble.

Upon completion, you definitely have a new look, so with this, a new attitude manifests…guys adopt this strut, which kinda sways from the hips n shoulders and they also seem to form a permanent squint. Shirt buttons fly open to show off those tanned man pecks, shirt sleeves roll up...are you thinking what I’m, thinking?..yep, Don Johnson! (Cue music - Miami vice) oh yes, lookin good guys!

And now the girls - all fab sporting a new tan, highlights, manicured/ pedicured etc. From somewhere deep within, a permanent pouting of the lips seems to develop, followed by a new walk; head held high, long flowing strides with excessive emphasis on the hips and I'm quite sure everything appears in slow motion. Some ladies walk around thinking they are on a runway, (as in catwalk – I think calling it a runway makes me sound chic and into fashion which is why I prefer to call it a runway instead of a catwalk) or about to get photographed by paparazzi…look, I'm going to have to make a separate post on ladies fashion...watch this space.

The number of people wearing their sunglasses indoors is astounding - maybe Dubai is aiming for a world record for the number of people wearing sunglasses indoors. It’s just plain lazy or posey or twatty! They all appear to walk in slow motion as well. Three of my colleagues at work walk into the office with their sunglasses on and I don’t understand why – well actually I do, but we won’t go there. The office is on the 2nd floor, so it takes a minimum 5 minutes from when you enter the building until you reach the office… now don’t tell me that’s not enough time to remove the sunglasses or at least stick them on your forehead like some people do (don’t get that either!)

Back to the guys; thanks to the birth of bluetooth - the wireless headset is definitely in vogue and makes a real statement; I am somebody, incredibly important and I have friends who call me so often that the earpiece has become a permanent extension to my ear. This must be some childhood role playing thingy of wanting to be an FBI or CIA person – so next time you see a guy sporting the wireless headset, you know they were the ones who would playact, but now they are living the dream…oh yes, dreams come true in Dubai!

(sigh!)

Backwards is the way forward

I played tennis with my tennis buddy Neo last night; it’s my lame attempt to keep in shape of sorts. With Dubai’s obsession of looking good, toned, tanned, trimmed, waxed, manicured, pedicured, highlighted, lowlighted, liposucked, botoxed with eyelash curler and lip liner at the ready...you cannot help but surrender just a little. Well to offset it, we heartily stuffed our faces with chocolate and smoke a gazillion fags afterwards whilst solving the world's problems.

Last night we were talking about how one regresses when you move to Dubai, albeit the material side of life may have improved (improved being highly relative), but the rest of it just takes you back 5-10 years in time both professionally and personally.

Let me site an example for both cases; back in London, I would only club perhaps once a month and go out for the occasional drink after work. When I moved to Dubai, I started going out two nights a week, which soon increased to three. Prior to Dubai, I had never experienced a vomiting episode as a result of alcohol however, since being out here I have successfully vomited out of a moving car! Now I’m not judging this to be good or bad, it’s merely an observation.

I am single, so this will not apply to all; my living arrangements took me back in time where I found myself living like a student. I rarely cook for myself anymore instead have become "takeaway queen".

On the professional front, the absolute basics of being on time for work! In London, I would religiously turn up half an hour early, whilst now I seem to struggle to arrive only half an hour late. I must add, I am currently making a conscious effort to improve this - I’m now only 10 minutes late on some days. Btw, I didn’t add that last sentence for fear of my boss reading this!

Meetings with clients - I’ve refused to let myself slip up on this, but clients are rarely on time.
Meeting with clients for the sake of meetings! In London, you would only meet a client when you have a firm set of objectives, whilst here I think clients want to meet you to feel important. In turn, employees think you're not working effectively unless you are stalking clients to discuss what could have been a 10-minute phone conversation.

Office etiquette - this is another posting altogether! You have the opportunity to work with colleagues from different cultures, which is always a rich experience. I no longer find myself twitching when one of my colleagues clears the phlegm at the back of her throat. Neither do I look in disbelief whenever I am interrupted by a 3rd person whilst engaged in work conversations. You have to turn a blind eye at the way certain nationalities communicate with another. Finally, I am no longer amused at my colleague who sits there and openly picks his nose followed by dreadlocking his nasal hairs because I am now a mature 30 something (snigger!).

Not only that, your patience wears incredibly thin, communication skills blunten, vocabulary reduces almost to pigeon English and some of your pronunciation leaves you in despair! PCness deteriorates, you develop the tendency to repeat yourself, you develop the tendency to repeat yourself, you bend the truth, you become a racist, bigot, lazy bastard, shopaholic, alcoholic, selfish bitch and a horn happy road raging lunatic...but refrain from the one finger salute as this results in jail or deportation!

Joy!

Mall'd out

If I never see another shopping mall, it will be too soon I tell you! You've got to hand it to them though, they are all pretty damn ugly with incredibly poor signage...at least they are consistent.
However, I have come to a conclusion that poor signage is a strategic ploy in order to get visitors to spend more time in the mall. Most of the shops are on the shite side, but surely you're destined to find at least one shop where you will want to part with your dirhams if you've lapped the mall 5 times.

And I am quite sure that they have some super advanced eradication system, which makes you conveniently forget one item of shopping from your list. The result of this is you having to make another trip to the supermarket to buy one single item only to leave with another shopping trolley full!

On the flip side, a shopping mall is the only feasible way we can enjoy the experience of shopping due to the climate. I certainly would not entertain strolling up and down Beach road in 40-50c temperatures. I think they should introduce a new law, you are only permitted to enter a shopping mall if you buy something, otherwise there is a fine of 1million dirhams! Honestly, in certain malls, every evening and weekend is like London's oxford street on Christmas Eve!

Themed malls appear to be the new black at the moment – well either that, or the largest most fantabulous mall in the whole wide world with ski slopes, a squillion screen cinema, golf courses, trips to the moon, walk in plastic surgery, lessons on how to cross breed camels and not forgetting those endless coupons you must to complete in order to win all those amazing cars on display. You fill the coupons in earnest only to find that you become a victim of serial SMS spamming.

On a final note, parking availability is habitually a well thought out and concisely planned exercise – “leave them wanting more” must be their motto. They consistently seem to underestimate the parking spaces required to accommodate all the customers who will shop in the largest most fabulous mall in the whole wide word.

Exhale!

A picture speaks a thousand words...

...or does it?

Now i'm not your Madison Avenue advertising guru, but i know enough to say that a striking image is key to grabbing those crucial seconds of your time without the need for corny copy?... allow me to quote some text from some rather large billboards around Dubai...

Mashreqbank WOW credit card (yes that is the name of a credit card!!)
Dubai Mall - the earth has a new centre (really now?!)
Nivea - moist for more pleasure (ok!)
Burj Dubai - the world's most prestigous square mile on the planet (says who??!)
Discover the wonder of the new Arabian Legend (this is for a brand new hotel... surely a contradiction in terms?)

10 out of 10 for really putting some spit & polish on the city of gold and the city that cares :-P

alas.. she begins!

i've been procrastinating starting this thing, so i may aswell put an intro up.. here goes..

(cue music - i'm thinking Dallas theme music. So picture skyscrapers, sun glistening, palm trees... camera swoops in and pans in on a hummer v. Beautiful people, all tanned donning designer shades n handbags etc.. ok ok i think you got the picture)

(music fades).. Welcome to VPL City - visible panty line for those of you unaware of the popular acronym. It has nothing to do with a bum fetish, but more aiming to uncover the wonderous delights of the seductively shimmering, overly opulant, self proclaimed wonder of the world city that is Dubai...

It's all good being well heeled with manicured nails... but love.. get the basics right!