What comes around

I am a firm believer that karma will come and bite you in the ass every single time - there is no escape. So apart from biting the head off people who do me wrong or disrespect me, i send out nothing but good vibes.

Last night i came to hear of an incident - of which i cannot go into great detail, but it just highlighted in great big neon lights how karma does get you. It involved a bunch of rich kids (early 30s) who act like they are too cool for school. One minute they talk to you and the next minute they act like they don't know you. They have a large group of hanger ons - they want to be friends with these rich folks. I know a gold digga who was so desperate to make friends with them that she used work as a means to get to know them personally.

Anyways, long story short - they are getting kicked out the country. Enough said.

This city is full of nouveau rich and over night millionaires. Ladies and gentlemen, money doesn't buy you class and what's here today will be gone tomorrow. Just because you suddenly have the choice to buy more, does not mean you treat people like crap and neither does it mean you are better than anyone else. And please do not suddenly start talking like daddy sent you to a Swiss Finishing school.

I was telling a nouveau rich acquaintance about how i played cupid with a good friend of mine and she will be marrying him soon. The first question she asked;
"what does he do"
me "he is a taxi driver from london"
her "remind me not to ask you for help when it comes to match making anyone!"

Fact of the matter is, even though my friend has just been made redundant for the second time, she is one of the happiest people i know, and all the money in the world will not buy miss nouveau rich even a fraction of the happiness of my friend.

Flasher in my midst

The saga of the weird Lebanese flasher who persistently insists to show me his d!ck continues. Today I arrive at work and he has left a large drawing of a p*nis on my desk with the text "actual size". Charming!

After speaking with a few friends about this, (because it really is disturbing me) i am left with 4 options:

- male friend suggests "ok, let him show you and then just laugh at it and say..is that it? what's the fuss about?"

this is a definite NO, i do NOT want to see it!

- next time he asks me (which is bound to be today when he next turns up), tell him to go show his mamma and sister first!

possibly, maybe. Arab men are very protective over their female relatives. Men being the pathetic little sh!ts they are, will probably say i am being out of order by talking about mothers and sisters. But it's ok for him to come up to my face and threaten to unzip himself?!

- secretly record him and then report him to police. this could result in jail or deportation.

i could live with that! but then i will have to leave my job.... i could live with that! Better still, i will wait until Ramadan begins and then record him whilst i am fasting... oh boy!

- give him the number of a therapist, or pass him some brochures for the Jumeirah Islamic Centre and tell him to go seek God as the time for spiritual cleansing is nigh.

this will not have the desired effect, however it could deter him a little if i deliver it well.

Safe and sound

It's easy to mistakenly believe that you are safer in this city because you are told this and you rarely read reports of crime, rape or murder in the newspapers... i wonder why?!

Well, you can leave your bag lying on the floor in a club with only 20% chances of it being stolen as opposed to say 80% in the UK. Also, i like the fact that i can start my car and leave it running for 5 minutes whilst the AC cools down the car and i am sat in the office. It's quite rare that someone would jump in the car and drive away. Additionally, it's highly unlikely that someone will attempt to take your phone out of your hand and run off with it - it's far too hot to run anywhere!

Even when the grapevine is working over time, you rarely hear any murder incidents. However, the amount of deaths on the road is more than enough to compensate for that! I know 5 people who have died in road accidents over 3 years - that's quite a high ratio! So each time you get in your car, you risk the fact that you might not return in one piece if at all, due to the wreckless and selfish driving on the roads.

This morning I had a credit card company call me up trying to sell me insurance. Her attempt to seal the deal was:

"do you drive"
me "yes"
her "well every day your life is in danger, so you need to make sure you are insured so your family do not go without if you die"
me "thanks love, i will make sure i wear my seatbelt"

But the scary fact is...she has a point.

Moving on, in the UK, i really don't think you would ever need to worry about the fact that your boss' friend keeps wanting to show you his p*nis and doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word "NO". Neither would you worry about him constantly asking you to come over to his "whenever you feel like a f*ck". I hardly know this guy and have not had more than a two conversations with him - about his job! So it's not like i have led him to believe that it is Ok for him to insist or talk to me in this manner;

"please have a look at my p*nis, i want you to see how beautiful it is and judge it".

I don't know for sure, but 2 days ago i think he actually pulled it out whilst he was standing next to my boss. My eyes were firmly fixed on my laptop at the time, so i couldnt say for sure.

As he is my boss' friend and my boss encourages him, i do not want any awkwardness so i simply say no in a jokey way. However this does not seem to deter him. It's begining to make me incredibly uncomfortable and i know, if I react in an angry manner, these guys will be like;

"ah she can't take a joke, we're only joking".

I can't very well threaten to show my boobies or nether regions - they'd love it...

Times like this makes me wonder why God invented men. They are pieces of shit and all of their d!cks should fall off. When that happens, the world will definitely become a safer place to live in, as it is men's p*nis' which are the root cause off all the problems in this world!

Hey Miss Westpat Brat

... now i am talking to you miss chavved up Jumeirah Jane in the faux Burberry and LV! Please do not stand in the supermarket queue on the phone to your fellow JJ, talking about the latest book from Oprah's Book Club for your next book club meeting whilst your items are being checked through. And Mr check out man, you are not a robot, so please pay attention to the fact that i cannot pack my items, as JJ is standing there on the phone and hasn't packed her items as yet.

And when i intimate that you need to move your sorry arse along, do not retort with that annoying gesture famed by Indian taxi drivers, else i will be forced to take the phone off you and inform your JJ friend that your handbag does not match your sandals!

Miss JJ proceeds to stand there nattering on the phone whilst waving for someone to come and pack her items for her. With only 3 bags of groceries, she then waves him on to carry the bags to her car. No doubt she will then flip him a 1 dirham coin - more as a means of asserting her power rather than thanking him for his kind help. If i was him, i would throw that coin back to her and demand an encore performance as it's worth its weight in dirhams!

Annual geek convention

I was supposed to go to Gitex this morning but decided against it. The idea of sitting in 2 hours of traffic, walking for half an hour in 40c+ temperatures just for a 15 minute press conference...mmMm, sharp needles in eye sounds far more appealing! Besides, I can get all the product information over the internet.

Oh and i didn't want to bump into any of my ex-colleagues and have to make awkward small talk with them. I can't very well say to one of my boss' "you're a theiving crook and you have sex with monkeys!". There is a legitimate reason why i would feel the need to say that, but that ship has sailed and i have done the therapy to get over it.

Anyways, Gitex is the annual geek convention which plagues this city for a week. You tend to see people wandering around with IT branded plastic bags filled with bumper stickers, pens, oversized t-shirts, hats or whatever freebees they give away these days. And then there is always some pleb who still has his name tag/exhibitors pass still hanging round his neck in some bar around 7 in the evening.

Council estate

Today I visited one of the beachfront hotels in Jumeirah and still cannot believe the ugliness going on around there. What used to be a peaceful strip of about 6 beachfront hotels most of them 5 star, with quiet serene beaches tucked away from the hustle of the main city, is now a concrete jungle. As soon as you drive out of these hotels (one of which being the Ritz Cartlon), you are immediately faced with 60+ concrete towers which resembles council housing, built within a stone’s throw of each other.

What I don’t understand is why they have been constructed right behind these hotels (only metres separate them), when there is plenty of desert and beach front to build upon half a mile further down.

Understandably, it has been a source of income however surely it should not be to the detriment of the tourism industry? Robbing Peter to pay Paul comes to mind.

The hotel that suffers the most has to be the Royal Mirage; my favorite hotel and I’m sure it’s popular with honeymooners. A hotel which captures the Arabesqueness (I just made that word up), in a more subtle, less opulent yet luxurious way.

Until recently, the clientele could enjoy views of the ocean as far as the horizon, hear the waves hushing and lapping whilst dining at the beachside restaurant, or couples walking hand in hand along the beach whilst catching the sunset.

However, now, the vista is a building site and the ocean is as still as the water in a pond. A man made island in the shape of a palm tree, with 30+ hotels and hundreds of apartments and villas all being built on sand. I am sure there is some wise saying about the man who built his house upon the sand?

Tease me

It's so easy to spot the local advertising campaigns from the international. They never appear to have a target market - they just want the whole city to know about it regardless if they are the target market or not and it all looks very clumsy.

For example the launch of the Burjuman extension, there was this big yellow stress ball driving up and down Sheikh Zayed road. Not exactly fitting with the more sophisticated shopping mall's image. That comdey act would be more fitting with City Centre. Additionally, a bunch of Philipino's were hired to walk around offices and hand out yellow spikey stressballs which stank, so they would go straight in the bin!

The most irrirating one at the moment has to be the TIIDA ads up the middle of Sheikh Zayed road. yes it does arouse curiosity, so i guess you are tempted to check the website. But on the website, you are faced with the same faces of the annoying looking people on the billboards. The only way you can find out more about these young trendsters is to register, only to find that 3 weeks later you have heard nothing. So now, the only image you have is a negative one. Not very clever or sophisticated, but then what do you expect from the advertising underworld. I guess this is their idea of a "teaser campaign".

I can only hazard a guess that within days of whatever event is supposed to happen, "they" will send a mass email out to all the people who registered, and continue to do so for the rest of their lives. All will be revealed and fall into place when whatever is supposed to happen will happen...

I bet it's another new shopping mall!

Smack ma b!tch up

...or a maid.

A luxury which many take advantage of is employing a "live in" house maid. So more often than not, whenever you see families out and about with their kids, you often see the maid walking behind taking care of the kids. So for around 150 - 250 pounds sterling a month, you don't have to lift a finger. You can leave the kids behind and go out shopping, have coffee with your friends catching up on who is having an affair with whom and compare how many times you appeared in Ahlan or OK!

"An Indonesian housemaid named Hini, said the previous housewife who employed her forced her to wear a veil day and night in the house because she was young and pretty.

When the housewife found her sleeping without a headscarf, she said, “She kicked me and woke me up, asking me to cover my hair while sleeping. I cried a lot and I asked them to send me back to the agency, who also mistreated me and they used to beat me until I found another sponsor who treated me well."

Most maids prefer to work for Westerners, as they tend not to mistreat the maids ie: beat them!

Hey mr westpat brat...

...yes, i'm talking to you Mr Western Expat Brat! Please don't drive up my bumper at breakneck speeds like an erratic local driver and then flashing your lights expecting me to move out the way. You are not a local driver so i don't give a f*ck. If you were son of the soil then i'd get the hell out of the way; as you know, if we were to meet with an accident, 99.9999999999% of the time, I would get blamed for it even if it clearly wasn't my fault. And God forbid, had i been drinking a few days before, then a blood test would show traces of alcohol, so i could go to jail for a month for drink driving.

But as you are not local, it's an even playing ground and your driving is endangering lives exactly the way so many lives are taken on the roads. You are western, so you should know better! Just because you are here it does not mean you leave all your etiquette behind and act like a f*ckin arrogant twat!

Driving centimetres away from my bumper will not make me move out the way and neither will flashing your headlights. There is a car immediately in front of me, so it's not like you can go anywhere. You have 2 choices; either i will slow right down and drive half the speed, or i will step on the breaks.

So you can carry on driving behind me and kiss my arse.

Not funny

Today hundreds of construction workers from India and Pakistan protested on the busy Sheikh Zayed Road during rush hour traffic, demanding months of unpaid wages. They were also protesting about the lack of clean drinking water and no water in their bathrooms in the labor camps where they reside. Probably about 6-8 people to a small room and they probably bed share as well. The night shift probably sleep in the beds during the day and day shift sleep there at night. They are hardly paid more than a few hundred pound sterling a month to build this city.

It's quite a sad sight. With all the money ploughing into this city, you'd think the people who build it would at least get paid. not a very striking image for the city which cares... I think they should have formed a strike 1 week later during Gitex - the busiest week of the year for that end of town.

10 out of 10 for effort

Last weekend i took a cab out, so dialed the usual number to order one. Instead of hearing the welcoming voice of a local asking for my location, i was met with a voice recording which went something along the lines of;

"press 1 for arabic and 2 for english"
#2
"we have your number on record, please press 1 to order a taxi now"
#1
"we have your number and location, a taxi is on its way"

i was thinking, *Wow, i'm well impressed! But hang on a sec, how did they know where to pick me up? Ok let it go, you're home and that's where the cab is picking you up*. 15 minutes later i'm still waiting, however i see a vacant cab driving around, so i decide to hail the cab as i'm now thinking this is too good to be true.

1 hour later i receive a call from the taxi stating that the cab is waiting for me downstairs. 10 out of 10 for effort though, i am sure it will improve with time.

Other news, there is one toilet at work between 3 of us. Someone blocked the toilet with a huge turd so i currently i drive home to do my business. I've suggested taking a photo of the evidence and sending it to "ratemyturd.com"

waffling, apologies!

Chipmunks

Just another random saturday afternoon in disney world walking through malls shopping for a friend's birthday present.

It's quite funny how the shops display autumn/ winter collections; winter coats, scarves, boots and all. During winter, the temperature tends to hover around the mid 20's, so hardly the weather to wear winter woolies. I know, stop complaining i hear you say! The sun shines 360 days of the year and the weather is t-shirt weather most of the year with no more than 7 days of rain throughout the year.

However, I think this is the reason why time absolutely flies when you live here. 6 months here feels the equivalent to 1 month in the normal world. There are no seasons to puncuate the year. The year passes by like one constant hum of tireless uneventful nothingness. The years are marked by New Year - for obvious reasons. Then, July and August are particularly noticeable as the weather is f*ckin hot where the mercury seeps over 50c. Followed by Ramadaan, the city slows down a little here, then before you know it, you're panicking about New Year.

Back to shopping malls; most of the shops you venture into tend to have instrumental soundtracks, 80's or tracks covered by a Philipino bands - this is probably because the retail outlets are too tight to pay for the license of new original music. Philipino's are gifted with beautiful voices which is why you'll tend to see them as the live entertainment in some hotels. BUT please, please don't sing cover's of Michael Jackson's "Dangerous" or any Whitney or Mariah songs. It's just WRONG! So do be prepared to shop whilst listening to greatest kareoke moments by the Chipmunk Allstars!

Thursday night frolics

Apparantly trilbys are in fashion in this town.

Ventured to the glorious Madinat Jumeirah on Thursday night, it seems to be THE PLACE TO BE on a thursday evening where an interesting blend of people stroll around aimlessly.

Meandering through the lobsters (toasted tourists) who always tend to dress in white or bright colours to accentuate their new sunburns. A generous dose of locals where the woman look myseriously elegant in their abayas, gliding around in large groups. It's quite scarey how some of the Indians dress their kids, 2 words come to mind, "child abuse"!

Cash machines are always out of cash. Signage is particularly bad, so most of the people you see are lost.

It's an excellent place for fashion faux pas spotting;
- guy wearing a black and white pinstripe jacket, white shirt, plain black trousers, white shoes and a trilby
- many many mullets with greased back hair
- white trilby and white jacket combo
- guy sporting a screamingly bright orange t-shirt and outrageous nipple pants
- more VPL than the eye can fathom
- many sunglasses and bluetooth headsets.

before i leave, i will club crawl in that hideous hummer limo (which looks like an old train), wearing my white stetson. Buy some jeans and sew a label on the seams "Choitrums" (it's a supermarket chain) whilst donning my mirrored shades and a t-shirt with the caption "too cool for skool".

come 'n' av' a go if you think you're 'ard enuf!

service not included

A lady found a worm in a chocolate bar purchased from a large supermarket. When she reported it, they replaced the chocolate bar with another and an apology. The lady insisted on speaking to the duty manager who was sleeping at the time. The sales assistant said the incident was not important enough to wake him up.

I once had the pleasure of finding a caterpillar crawling around in my ceaser salad iin a popular little cafe. When i informed the manager, he didn't even apologise and reacted like it was a daily occurance. He offered to replace the salad, by which point i was completely grossed out and said i'd rather not. He responded matter of factly;

him "yanni, it happens. always insects in the salad and we wash them"
me "errr, yanni, not in my kitchen!"

The bill came and the salad was still on there.

me "you're going to charge me for the salad, i am surprised you are not charging extra for the caterpiller"
him "well we offered to replace it"
me "are you serious?"

After a further 5 minutes of complaining, he took the salad off the bill.

clueless about customer service!

Thank God for DVDs!

I remembered last night why i do not like going to the cinema here.

The lady sat next to me received a phone call. When she realised she did not want to speak to the person, instead of silencing the phone, she just let it ring. It was a really dodgy ringtone! She then proceeded to tell her partner who it was and why she didn't want to take the call with no attempt to speak quietly.

Later on, the woman 2 rows in front actually made a call and started chatting! err.. hello! There was also a local chap walked in and out at least 5 times to speak on the phone.

Halfway though the movie, it seemed as though everyone were nattering away as though they were sitting in their own lounge and the ushers do nothing to keep them quiet. This is probably because they are Indian and most of the offenders are local, so they are too scared to shut them up. They should hire locals as ushers; one flash of the flashlight in the offenders eyes will be more than enough to keep them quiet.

i need to call my DVD supplier!